An Erection Is Not Consent

In this age of sensitivity about consensual sexual activities, where is our concern about the consent women must obtain from men?

(Photo by Sam Burriss on Unsplash)

By Dr T J Jordan

When he was seventeen years old, my dear male friend was raped by a middle-aged woman. She approached his bed as he was waking, dropped her clothing, and grabbed his crotch beneath his sheets. He got hard, she mounted him, and he never forgot the trauma and confusion he experienced.

Rape of men by women is far more prevalent than was previously thought. New research shows that men are as likely as women to experience non-consensual sex and that the perpetrators of most male rapes are women. These shocking findings exist despite the likelihood that men underreport nonconsensual sex coerced by women because they fear the shame of being regarded as failures of masculinity.

When all forms of sexual abuse are included, one in six male adults reports having been raped or otherwise coerced into sexual action.

When females rape males, they tend to coerce erections and attempt to enforce penetration of their bodies by their unwilling victims. Under these conditions, erections are possible.

Males get erections when afraid, stressed, and in pain, as during the surgical procedure of circumcision. These experiences are not sexual arousal. To mention a particularly gruesome example, men are known to get erections and even to ejaculate when executed by hanging.

Experiences of stress and fear release some of the same chemicals as sexual arousal. Among these chemicals is norepinephrine which is a primary neurotransmitter for the reproductive organs and a precursor of dopamine.

This chemical is a call to action. In addition to preparing us for fight or flight, it acts on arteries and veins and can trap the blood supply necessary to successfully cause and maintain an erection.

Just because a hard-on happens doesn’t mean that a boy or a man is ready or willing to have sex. Our culture makes the rape of men by women disenfranchised abuse. The emotional toll of this experience becomes overwhelming when we ignore cries for help and expect males to be grateful for any kind of female contact.

Social Sanctions = Sexual Abuse

Among the harmful myths that abound about male sexuality, a particularly pernicious idea is that males are always ready for sex and “lucky” if a female provides an opportunity. This myth perpetuates the notion that males don’t need emotional connections and that any sex is good sex for them. We condone this thinking while we abhor anything similar with regard to the rape or coercion of women.

As late as 2015, the first rape center for males anywhere in the world was opened in Sweden. We know little about psychological treatment of males who have been raped by women, largely because we have neglected to study this disenfranchised phenomenon. However, we have begun to learn that sexual coercion is traumatic regardless of gender.

For those of us who have worked clinically with male victims of female perpetrators, we find that the first battle is with the social stereotypes that create shame and self-loathing in the boys and men who need emotional healing. Before addressing the traumatic effects of coerced sex, male victims struggle with lack of much-needed social support for their plight. They often find themselves being re-victimized by jokes and insults when they desperately seek compassion.

Coerced sex happens to young men who live on college campuses and to men who have engaged in consumption of alcohol or other drugs. The social expectation that young men should be grateful to the women who have coerced them contributes to their inability to find treatment for their emotional wounds. These men already experience self-blame and isolation, and need acceptance and understanding to move forward.

One of the most common reactions to rape regardless of gender is the onset of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Without treatment, PTSD can continue throughout the lifespan to disrupt sleep, concentration, and healthy sexuality. Trauma also creates hyper- vigilance, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and difficulty with intimacy.

End Note

All of us require respect when we share ourselves sexually. Coercion is harmful regardless of the gender of the perpetrator or the victim. Anyone can develop severe problems such as PTSD from unwanted sexual activity. No must mean no, whether we’re speaking about female or male targets.

Our failure to address the problem of male victims of rape by women reflects our limited, stereotypic view of male sexuality. Since Smiler attempted to debunk the myth of male promiscuity in Challenging Casanova,* we have had the opportunity to open our eyes to the inaccuracy of compulsive male sexuality. Unfortunately, this book didn’t lead to as many woke folks as might have been anticipated.

The important end message here is that an erection doesn’t mean consent. We give consent with our words, not with our body parts.

Our bodies do many things without our permission — erections and even ejaculations can occur without the consent of the penis owner. We need to become more aware of the emotional needs of the boys and men in our orbits, and to respect their boundaries as we have begun to do for women.

*Smiler, A. P. (2013). Challenging Casanova:Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

(Read my other and future articles on relationships, intimacy, sexualities, masculinities, CPTSD, mental wellness, and whatever else makes us humans happy. I can be reached directly on Medium or ask me for my other contact information.)