Something that continues to confound me is Sex and the extent that men go to get it. I am not a prude, neither am I dishonest about my personal desires. I feel attraction and sexual impulse and I am neither far right hedonistic nor puritanical. I am what you’d describe as a moderate in most things. Yet, in this self-attired toga of moderation, I find the subject of the male valuation of sex grossly disproportionate to its seemingly glorious benefits.
If all masculine energy channeled towards sex since the dawn of civilization had been directed towards cracking the code of immortality, man-kind would probably be living forever by now. From human mating calls in the form of a display of wealth or aggression, to the eventual attainment of orgasm, men invest inordinate amounts of time and energy into getting laid. Men will lie, spend their life savings, lower their standards and drag themselves in the mud just for sex. They will work all their lives to accumulate wealth and power only to seek validation for their egos through sexual acquisition. History has seen kings desert their kingdoms for P or go to fight other nations and lay to waste entire communities just for knacks.
11 times out of 10, men in power will abuse privilege for sex. They will score points on interns or blackmail subordinates into sex. They will underestimate the risk of shame and being prosecuted and force themselves on an unwilling woman and blame everything else but themselves on why they took those decisions. Many-a-time after the throaty grunts and the laughable variants of the O-face, many-a-man have looked down at the supposed object of their fantasy and cringed at how stupid they had been to have done it at all. It is even more unfortunate that the average time for sexual activity in men is so short that under more critical evaluation, one wonders why any supposedly intelligent species will pile up so much investments or base long term decisions and repercussions on such a short term activity– forget all the beer parlour talk about libido and longevity in bed — all na wash.
Whether it is a one night stand that starts at a bar with a drink; or a pityfuck that a mumu man eventually gets from a controlling woman after 5 years of tagging along in the shadows and playing the nth wheel; the play up, foreplay, forward investment that goes into actualizing the goal, in my opinion, barely justifies the gains or the drama that comes with chasing sex.
Here are a few good examples (or perhaps in these cases, bad):
1. Husband gbenshes housemaid (read as rape or consensual if you will) wife finds out, family separates. Was the knack worth it?
2. High flying executive smacks an intern’s butt in a moment of testosterone affected rationality. High flying executive is fired, loses all his benefits. Was the impulsive decision worth it?
3. Young undergrad with bright prospects pops a dollop that turns into a baby and now he is fighting not to pay child support at 20.
4. Man in the heat of passion doesn’t want to yield to the woman’s insistence to stop. Few months, or even decades down the line, his life, career, and achievement crumble on a me-too thread.
Poor judgment calls on sex continue to be the bane of men’s existence, mine inclusive, and it is worth reflecting deeply upon and talking about as more boys become men in a world intent on grooming men that would readily trade their brains for sex at the drop of a thong. This lack of sense is evident in the all too familiar conversation that men find hard to compute when a fling says.
“I think I am pregnant?”
Men’s typical reaction to this question, and the next question that usually follows, “How?” is all you need to know that we are either wired to short out at a certain level of unexpected mental activity, or we are just plain stupid. How the acclaimed master of beast and nature cannot properly rationalize the possibility of this outcome after having had unprotected sex continues to be evidence of how quickly our IQs drop as men, regardless of our pedigree, when we are faced with a W A P.
In another dimension, porn and prostitution continues to be a thriving industry because everywhere in the world, the desire for sex continues to be a thing of value to men and they will give what they have to get it. And many women know this. They know that when push comes to shove, their body is ALWAYS an asset that can be traded for value to men who are willing and able to pay, whether as voyeur or violator. This carnal acculturation starts as soon as chests start to sprout and the leering gaze of men their father’s age stay longer than necessary in the area below their faces. Initially, these ‘weird’ actions of men (regardless of age) might throw teenage girls off balance; like men’s inexplicable generosity, their unctuous praise and promises, or roving arms that drape around shoulders and carelessly drops to the breasts, or accidentally grazes a precociously well-rounded behind. It doesn’t take long for many girls to understand this dialect and leverage it for all it is worth.
I believe the hype around sex is a function of the intrinsic value men place on it. I see consensual sex as an exchange between the genders that requires initiation and agreement — an offer and acceptance that lends it a transactionary nature. I think men are socialized to assume the initiator role and women are socialized to assume the agreer role even though this distinction is arguable. A distant hypothesis is that the biology of the sexual organs, the nature of sexual activity and the relatively varying velocity of desire, all create a natural system that drives the flux of sexual energy from men towards women. I also believe the many cultural taboos surrounding sex, fidelity and most especially monogamy, stimulates an unhealthy curiosity that make men continue to desire the forbidden. I feel that more of the invisible forces behind sexual desire come from nature and that despite our celebrated advancement as a race, there are still many things we don’t know. I think that built into the man’s tendency to rise to every occasion is evolution’s way of ensuring the continuance of our race. The fact that men remain sexually active much earlier, for much longer and at more frequency, or that one or two fertile men can populate the whole world, attests to this position. I believe this urgency and primal desire is what makes men so fickle, less rational and prone to manipulation in the sex game. From early on in childhood when a girl knows her power over a boy and with a twirl of her eyes, can get him to do assignments or fight another boy on her behalf, the discerning woman can manipulate men into submission, lending the man’s desires as her willing ally. I feel that somewhere in our minds as men, our natural desires lead us to overestimate the gains of sex. We ascribe a high emotional value to it and this in turn informs what proportion of our sense, credibility, money, life, time we are willing to give up for it. And because a few women know this, sex will continue to be a currency of exchange between husband and wife, sugar baby and benefactor, teenage boy and teenage girl, 90 year old man and 25 year old woman and this endless dance of desire will continue till the world ends.
Since our desires will not go away or be lessened by socialization or cultural norms like marriage, my charge is that every man should have a conversation with himself and probe his inner motivations by asking himself variants of the following:
Is sex worth what I am giving up for it or what I will lose in the course of getting it?
Am I overestimating the value of what I will be getting from the sexual interaction?
Why would I, who have had great accomplishments in other endeavors of life and shown great wisdom and talent, lose my sense of judgment when it comes to sex?
Knowing that we are equally susceptible to the same stirrings that make other men prone to judgment errors is wisdom, and staying aware for long enough not to fall victim to our desires is even greater wisdom.
As my great friend, the Wise Samanja will say, “Nor take ten minutes dabaru your life. Think am well!”
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