By Emmanuel Fashakin
Carmona (not real name) started bringing her boys to our Richmond Hill location since 2003. Alex, then 4, had severe developmental delay and he was referred for Early Intervention program and he attended a special school. Alex required a lot of work and parental attention, but Carmona was undaunted. Carmona would bring Alex and his brothers, Roland, then 2, and Manuel then 1 to the office unfailingly for their well-child assessments and immunizations. Carmona was a very good mother, and often was the first person in line as the office opens in the mornings, whenever any of the children had any childhood illnesses.
Over the course of couple of years, it was a big blow when we found out that not only Alex, but his two brothers also had developmental delays. The brothers’ developmental delay problems were not as profound as Alex’s, but both children also required early intervention and special programs. Carmona soldiered on over the years, never wavering, and was always there for all the children’s scheduled and emergency visits. To the outside observer, Carmona’s home was happy and stable.
The first inclination I had of something being wrong with the family was in January 2013, when Carmona’s husband came to the office and asked me to write him an IRS (Internal Revenue Service) letter, to enable him to claim the three boys in his taxes. I asked him about Carmona and the children, and he informed me that they were at home. I informed him that since I didn’t know him, and since Carmona had been the one bringing the children for their physicals for the prior ten years, I would not issue any letters without Carmona’s consent. I am well aware of non-custodial parents trying to play a fast one to get tax letters from the children’s doctors, even though they were not involved in the care of the children. But what happened next took me aback completely.
Carmona’s husband called her, that the Doctor refused to issue the letters, and Carmona, who lived just a few blocks away, came charging into the office. In all ten years I had known Carmona, I had never seen her talk so rudely. She told me that it was none of my business that her husband, and not her, was getting the IRS letters. I tried to explain that I was trying to protect her interest by insisting that she gave her consent, or that the three children be physically present with the father, as evidence of custody, before I issued the letters since the husband never came to the office with them. Carmona just brushed aside my explanations and stormed out of the office the same way she came. I was really baffled by the experience.
A few months after this incident, the children were in the office for their scheduled physicals, but they were brought by their paternal grandmother. “Where is Carmona?”, I asked the children. “She left for another man”, the children said together. “She did what?” I asked incredulously. “She has left us”, they calmly explained. Since then, grandma has been bringing the children to the office, and I have not seen Carmona again. In February 2016, Grandma came to get tax papers to file as custodian of the children. She explained that she now has custody of the children and she is planning to adopt them. I don’t know what became of Daddy: I never asked.
In January 2017, I saw Alex for a well visit for the first time that year. Alex is a grown boy of 17 now, still rather slow, but getting by. He wanted medical certification that he is fit to work. Alex wants to do some odd jobs. It’s been four years since I last saw Carmona, so I asked Alex: “Do you hear from mommy?” Did you see Mommy?” “Did Mommy visit you”? “Did Mommy call you?” Alex answered “no” to all my questions. Alex said that Carmona lives just a few blocks away but she has never come to see them. He said Carmona got a girl for the new man in her life. I asked Alex whether he had seen his baby sister. “No” was the reply. Would he like to see his baby sister?, I persisted. Alex said “No!” rather emphatically.
I have often thought about Carmona and her boys these past four years. There were many times I had been mad at her conduct: how on earth could a mother abandon her three boys, for whom she had labored for ten long years, just like that, without looking back? But then I remember my own marital travails, how I had been tempted to just pack it in and give in, and how I had told myself that I would continue fighting: “I will not stop, I will not falter; I will not beat myself. If you want to get me down, you have to do it yourself.” By my experience, I learned that every person, no matter how strong, has a breaking point. Our prayers are that, whatever experiences we are going through, we should pray that the Lord will send us relief before we reach our breaking point. Ironically, the children are doing just fine after Carmona quit on them. Alex was in high school, and yes, Alex, ever slow Alex, is getting a job!
My dilemma about Carmona is reflected in the title of this “Tales”. The former title I chose was TALES MY PATIENTS TOLD ME: “A very unusual mother” but midway into the story, I decided to change it to “Every person has a breaking point”. This was the situation when I started this story in 2017. I had attributed Carmona’s decision to leave her matrimonial home to the developmental and intellectual disabilities of her children. I was wrong.
In 2019, grandma brought the children to the office for the annual physical examinations, and I brought up the subject of Carmona again. I asked grandma: “what happened to Carmona? Why did she leave and abandoned the three children? I thought she was a good mother?” So grandma told me a part of the story I never knew because the children never told me that.
Grandma said that in 2013, she went out of the house one day, and returned early unexpectedly. She said that the family shared their rented three-bedroom apartment with an unrelated man, so they could be able to afford the rent. Grandma said that as soon as she opened the front door, she saw Carmona run out of the room of the subtenant half-naked! It was obvious that Carmona and the subtenant were having sexual affairs.
The incident led to a big fight between grandma and her son on one hand, and the subtenant and Carmona on the other. The tenant soon packed his things and moved to another house a few blocks away. It turned out that Carmona had become pregnant for the tenant, and she moved in with him. Carmona had my deepest sympathy at the beginning, but after hearing this part of the story, I was very disappointed at Carmona. But there is yet another twist to this long winding story.
In October 2022, Alex, now 22 and a lot more mature, came to see me in the office. Naturally, the conversation drifted to his family, I was curious to learn about any developments in the family. The first bombshell: their father is dead! What? What happened? Alex said that their father was an alcoholic and he never took care of himself. He died of liver cirrhosis. What about Carmona? Yes, she came back and she is now able to visit them after their father died.
The story became a lot more understandable after hearing of the alcoholism of Alex’s father. The few times I met him, he appeared impaired. I had thought he had some intellectual disability which ran in his three boys, he had a grin on his face even when saying something sad and serious, and it appeared that nothing bothered him. That he didn’t care. I felt sorry for him. Now it is obvious that alcoholism was probably a very significant factor.
Now everything makes sense. Alcoholism would explain why they didn’t have enough money to pay their rent and had to take a subtenant into their marital home, to share everything (sadly including Carmona!), why Carmona got into sexual encounters with the tenant, either for money or lack of tender care. It also explains why the father appeared impaired every time I saw him, and why grandma had to adopt the children — they had no functioning father!
Our story has turned full circle. Carmona appeared good, bad, and then excused. Carmona indeed had a breaking point, but her disabled children did not cause it. Alcohol, the traditional scourge of mankind, took the lion share of the blame.
Emmanuel O. Fashakin, M.D., FMCS(Nig), FWACS, FRCS(Ed), FAAFP, Esq.
Attorney at Law & Medical Director,
Abbydek Family Medical Practice, P.C.
Web address: http://www.abbydek.com
Cell phone: +1-347-217-6175
“Primum non nocere”
