Last week, I saw something that gave me pause.
I purposed to write about it, but I didn’t.
I was not in the mood to spar with this generation of young parents who believe in doing (and saying) whatever they please. Who treat their children like inconvenient by-products of their physical pleasure.
And there lies my shame.
I allowed my belief that there was no point to my submission and my distaste for virtual sparring colour my judgment.
I am not a person who is given to losing sleep over negative comments. I usually ignore them.
But I am passionate about children and family life. So I would not have been able to just walk by. And I had tons to do. No time to argue on social media. So I left off posting.
The heart of the matter was parenting.
I have had these discussions with many people. Parents, parents -in-waiting, parents by association and proximity, and those with no interest in being parents at all.
There seems to be a prevalent opinion that children should be allowed to grow like weeds. Unfettered, untrimmed, without boundaries and without discipline.
What a huge, demon-inspired, destiny-stealing joke.
Mighty in its ridiculousness, and flat in its humor.
There is no mirth here.
One lady once said to my sister and I with her small frame extended in pride, that she is not like us and does not “terrorize” her children. She said this because we tell ours to pick up after themselves, make their own breakfast, clean, be polite, and comport themselves properly. We also don’t always say yes to every request and teach them the value of work and money. We don’t encourage losing control, and teach them that elders are to be respected.
We didn’t even smack them in her presence, so I am left to wonder where ‘terror’ came into the conversation.
A day or so after that conversation, her children were so rude to a mutual acquaintance that the adult cried.
They found her tears funny.
Hmm.
Just Days after that incident, she was held to ransom by one of them over something they wanted.
I was flabbergasted. And offended.
But it didn’t matter. Because she was neither.
Another time, a woman brought her children to my house. One of them wrote on my wall while I was in the kitchen getting a meal ready for them. I came out to meet her mother happily watching as she did so. I calmly told her mother to stop her and the mother insisted that all children that age write on walls. And that they also misplace decorations, break items and jump on furniture.
No ma’am, they do not.
They will try it, but you stop them from doing it. Especially in someone else’s home. And it won’t even require smacking to do so.
I told her off summarily. If your children run around like penless sheep, keep them in your home petting zoo.
Should I tell of the ones who have stolen from my home? Or those who have been rude to my domestic staff? Or the ones who have used profanity in front of younger children?
What would you think if I told you about a child who traumatized a man on a plane because she wanted something he was saying no to, and she threatened to tell her mother (who had gone to the bathroom) that he had touched her inappropriately if he didn’t give her what she wanted? He had not laid a finger on her. The man was so affronted that this little child was threatening him that he stuck to his guns and didn’t give her what she was asking for.
When her mother returned to her seat, she indeed lied that the man had touched her. Thankfully, several passengers had heard her threat and witnessed the whole exchange. Can you imagine the damage she could have caused had they been alone? Who taught her such evil?
I saw a little girl smash through something that had been painstakingly constructed. She did it on purpose and with malice, cackling like a fiend after she was done. I was appalled. And terrified as to her future. She is already so mean! Her parents chalk it up to ‘childish pranks’ and being ‘little’.
I have seen children throw themselves on the floor in shops, offices, schools and everywhere, demanding some bauble or snack. I have also watched their parents try to ‘talk them down’ or worse, give into their tantrums.
Parents encourage envy in their children, rewarding their entitled outbursts with the things their friends or classmates have and that they insist on getting. They have no value for contentment or self control.
Some speak about others so disdainfully that they lead their children to look down on other people simply because they are blessed with more materially.
I flew on a plane with a very wise woman. Her son kicked our seats a few times. Even after she had warned him to stop. She got up and smacked him. She was from the United States and knowing how unpopular the practice is there, I turned to her and quietly asked why she had smacked him instead of reasoning with him.
Her answer will stay with me forever.
She said, “because the justice system will not reason with him. If he does not learn to obey and behave himself, It will incarcerate him. Or kill him.”
And this is the reality.
Quite a few times recently, I have seen parents protect their children from natural consequences of the foolishness that the Scriptures say is locked up in the heart of a child.
They refuse to discipline, balk at withdrawal of privileges and go into fits at the thought of smacking.
2021 parents.
Hogwash.
The world will not withhold consequences. So in doing so, a parent sets their child up for failure. And for being disliked as well.
A child cannot pick his consequences. Or the timing of the same.
Life, quite simply, doesn’t work that way.
People are breeding entitled, noxious, odious, insufferable, horrible people. People that are hard to be around. Awful future colleagues, neighbours, spouses, and bosses.
Nobody wakes up at 30 perfect, just knowing what to do. The process of growing up can’t be skipped. Even Jesus didn’t start life as an adult.
We are stewards of the next generations. Stewards of our nations’ futures, stewards of the world. Isn’t it sad what has gone wrong on our watch? Are we to watch things unravel further? No child is smart enough to parent himself. No matter how outstanding they may be.
Which brings me to those parents who let their children get away with murder, (and no, this is not about Dowen College… I don’t even know how to process that),simply because they are doing well in school, or talented in some area or another. Or, horror of horrors, because their child is popular, whereas they were ‘geeks’ in their time.
Walk with me some more as I talk about the mother who lectured me about not allowing having children “change my life”.
Seriously?
If you don’t want children to change your life, I recommend not having them.
It is unrealistic, selfish and downright unintelligent to think you can live life exactly as you did before you had children. And if you are able to achieve it, I humbly submit that you might be somewhat sociopathic. Perhaps get that checked?
You had/have a choice. Don’t have children if you don’t want the work they come with.They are not dolls to dress up or toys that can be put on a shelf after you’re done playing. Or if you get tired.
Yes, self care is important, but part of that is bringing your children up so that their behaviour doesn’t come back to bite you.
And no, self care is not more important than parenting. The children didn’t ask to be born. This culture of ‘self’ is so destructive. Creating fractured people everywhere. ‘I… I… I. ‘
Disgusting.
Many people pontificating about recent happenings have children that make Charles Manson look like a Barbie doll.
We must examine ourselves.
There is no perfect child, and certainly, none of us is a perfect parent.
But that doesn’t mean we should throw our hands up and let things go awry.
We have a job – a calling even. And it is hard work. Back breaking, time consuming, pray until- they’re- grown, then- pray -some -more kind of work.
Parenting has no escape clause. No blame- shifting caveat.
The time is here, and now is, when we must P.A.R.E.N.T. Intentionally, reverently, consciously, with our eyes on the ball, our ears tuned to God’s voice, our hearts inclined to His leading, and our souls bowed at the foot of the cross.
We must. For the children.
Esosa Daniel-Oniko
December 4th 2021
